The Great Debate #1

First, if I were planning a Friday night dinner party for a guest of honor, and if that honorable guest told me on Tuesday that he may or may not be attending, and then I didn't hear squat from him until Friday afternoon? I'd be pissed awf. A random black street dude interviewed in Oxford, Miss., said it best: It's a question of manners. That guy doesn't have any manners. 

In light of my last post, perhaps I shouldn't share that I have an HD Widescreen TV, but I am surprised to learn that I will get special treats because of my HD TV ownership status. On CNN, I can watch as the pundits mark on a circle-thingy whether they think Obama has landed a right jab or McCain forgot to point his toes. It really is becoming like a sporting event! Who are my pundits?  Bill Bennet, who I couldn't care less about. There's John King. Who cares? Someone Borger? I don't know who that is. Paul Begala, sure, okay, but do I really need to know his every emotion in real time? Donna Brazille. Again, a great gal, but I think we all know whose side she's on.  And Castellanos? Pardon my ignorance, but I'm not familiar with him, either. One can't be familiar with EVERY pundit, after all. 

Oh! Christiana Amanpour is there! She can do anything she wants - I adore her. She can drink Gimlets and juggle for all I care. But wait. She's not an official pundit? She doesn't get to participate in the HD TV pundit card fun? Bah. That's ridiculous.

Okay! Here we go! Obama even has his flag pin on. 

Obama: Thank you, (everyone). Trickle down economics don't work. 

McCain: Thank you, (everyone). I'm a kindly old man and I want to give a shout out to Ted Kennedy, because I'm the ultimate bipartisan! Beware, fellow Americans, this is only the end of the beginning of the economic catastrophe, which only I can resolve. FEAR FEAR FEAR! Greed is rewarded, corruption is rewarded! I'll change all that! 

SheenaFury: You will? Really? How so?

Obama: The shit only hits the fan when the powerful rich who can hire lobbyists suffer.

McCain: Bend over labor, I'm about to kiss your ass! 

HD TV TREAT NEWS: Castellanos seems to be busiest on this newfangled device, he's given Obama and McCain one "bad" mark each, three "good" marks for McCain and two for Obama. Bennett is slow on the draw with only one "good" mark for McCain. Brazille has one "good" mark for McCain and two for Obama. Borger apparently can't figure out the buttons.

Obama: No trickle down economy, but bottom up economy!

McCain: I didn't win Miss Congeniality in the Senate.

SF: Did that crypt-keeper of a wife of yours win anything?

Obama: I don't know where John gets his numbers. BUSH BUSH BUSH. 

SF: If McCain thinks a $5000 tax credit will take care of a family's medical expenses, he must only have those "moles" removed once a year. I don't know who his doctor is but I guess they have a "relationship." Old Civil War buddies, mayhaps.

Obama: McCain wants to tax healthcare!

McCain gets a very tiny credit from SF for using the word "festooned."

The "audience reaction" lines at the bottom of the screen remain steady...or dead, maybe.

Obama: Oil companies will get a four billion dollar tax credit under McCain! Folks are declaring bankruptcies over medical bills! We need to educate our kids! The infrastructure needs repair! 

Obama chuckles at McCain's sarcasm: "He's so far to the left, it's hard to reach across the floor! Heh heh heh."

29 minutes and we've had NO specifics. Jim Lehrer begs these two to ANSWER THE QUESTIONS!

Obama: We must change the Lobbyist culture!

SF: Woot! Woot!

McCain: There must be a spending freeze on everything but military spending!

Obama: No more war spending!

SF: Woot! Woot!

McCain is proud of his work on the climate. 

SF: You mean on planet Earth?

Obama: What are our priorities? Giving the powerful tax cuts or fixing health care?

McCain: Obama has too many spending projects. Restrain spending!

Obama calls McCain out on his 90% agreement with Bush record.

McCain again refers to not having won Miss Congeniality. That must have been really hard on him what with the repetition.  No doubt he's a Sandra Bullock hater. 

McCain: The American people know me and Sarah well. We're MAVERICKS! I never agreed on war strategy, but NOW, after the SURGE, we are winning the war! VICTORY is at hand! 

Obama: But why did we go to war in the first place? We have to use our military wisely.

SF: Word, Barrack.

Meanwhile, on the pundit scorecard front, Bennet is surprisingly fair with three "good" marks for each candidate.  Hee! Castellanos has given Obama 11 "good" marks! That's four more than Begala, at 7. McCain is losing on everyone's circle-thingy scorecard. (Thank OGG I have HDTV!)

Uh oh. Obama goes on attack mode with McCain - you were WRONG, he says. You think the war began in 2007?

Obama doesn't know the difference between a tactic and a strategy, McCain retorts. There is peace and prosperity in Iraq now! And Obama voted "no" on defense spending!

Obama: McCain didn't care about the timetable. I did, which is why I didn't vote for spending.

We need more troops in Afghanistan!

McCain: Surgity McSurge Surge Surgey with Surge on top! McCain knows ALL about warmongering! There will be WINNING and VICTORY!

SF: Why must there be VICTORY and WINNING in Iraq? Haven't we put them through enough already? And, while we're on the subject, what exactly defines VICTORY and WINNING, please?

Obama wants more troops in Afghanistan, like, months and years ago. The Taliban and Al Qaeda are emboldened, yo! There WAS no AQ before we attacked Iraq, he points out. We must press the Afghan government. 

4763 brownie points for Obama, who is the first politician EVER to mention the eradication of the Afghan poppy fields. D'oh!  

Obama: We've given billions to Afghanistan and nothing has been accomplished.

McCain, who for some reason won't look at Obama, regrets the history of aiding Afghanistan and Pakistan. But he says he's not ready, like Obama the fierce warmonger (?!), to make an enemy of Pakistan. "Don't say things out loud," he advises Obama, concerning the very public plans Bush & Co. have to move into Pakistan on the sly. 

McCain: Don't ever talk out loud about invading Pakistan. I know Pakistan. I'm an expert on Pakistan. 

SF: Johnny! You didn't even know that Pakistan was a democracy before Musharraf staged a military coup!

Obama: Pot? Meet kettle. What about your remarks about the extinction of N. Korea? We alienated Pakistan when things were dandy! (He didn't really say "dandy." If it's not clear by now, I'm paraphrasing.) We coddled Musharraf! We spent 10 billion dollars and nothing has changed!

McCain: I don't think Obama understands. I supported Kosovo because of ethnic cleansing. I have a record of being involved. (Trots out "sad soldier story.") Mothers of dead soldiers! I was in a war! Look at me! We'll muddle through!

Obama: Obviously we honor our troops. What about decision making at home, though? We took our eye off Afghanistan. Muddle through? STFU, honky! 

Obama: Iraq's Republican Guard is a terrorist group now. Iran's power grew as result of war in Iraq. We must avoid a mid-east arms race. We need tough diplomacy. Not talking to people in order to punish them is stupid.

McCain becomes enraged. Talks with no preconditions? Give a propaganda forum for bad guys?It will legitimize them!

SF: Not so much, probably. I think we can rest assured that France, Brazil and California will not turn Muslim overnight.

Obama: Akmenahjidad (sp.?) may not be the most important guy in Iran. 

SF: Obama am SMART.

Obama: Kissinger, McCain's advisor, agrees with me. Diplomacy may not work all the time, but why not give it a try? With no engagement with N. Korea, they doubled their nuclear armaments. McCain won't even talk to Spain!

SF: Ay! Que bueno!

McCain: Obama doesn't seem to understand. It's DANGEROUS! Obama doesn't seem to understand. Obama doesn't seem to understand. Obama doesn't seem to understand. Obama doesn't seem to...cue, please?

Obama: We can't take action without talking first.

McCain: I've known Kissenger for 35 years! 

And now we move onto Russia...

Obama: The whole Russian deal needs to be re-evaluated. We need to affirm democracies in the region. We should insist that Georgia and Estonia be allowed to determine their future. Let's try concentrating on things we have in common - nuclear proliferation, etc. We have a new, aggresive regime in Russia. We can't stare into Putin's eyes and see his soul.

SF: Isn't he dreamy?

McCain: I was interested in Obama's recation to the Georgia invasion. He said "both sides need to show restraint." He just doesn't seem to understand. Russia is fueled by oil and is run by the KGB!  I saw it in Putin's eyes! 

SF: Does that mean Putin and GWB's bromance is off?

McCain: I have spent a lot of time in Estonia, dammit! I went to Georgia once! Ukraine is a very serious problem! DANGER! FEAR! TERROR!

Obama: I told Bush a long time ago, "We need to help fix the Georgian economy. Why are Russian peacekeepers in Georgia, anyway?" See? This is why we need our own energy to avoid these kind of problems. We can only produce 3% of the world's oil, but we use 25%.  McCain voted 24 times against new energy R&D! 

McCain (interrupting...again):  I feel safer now than on 9/11 in re terrorism at home. I am VERY proud of my LONG history of reaching across the aisle. Me and Leiberman called for a 9/11 commision. We were stymied at first! Intelligence needs to be improved. I KNOW our allies! 

SF: Of course we know that Palin will be helpful as she can SEE Russia. 

McCain: I was responsible for a huge reorganization of government!

Obama: We have a long way to go on national security - the ports, suitcase bombs, for example. We're spending billions on missile defense, but we need to focus on Al Qaeda. We need to get together with our allies. We need to work on our perception in the world. We must restore our good name so other nations will respect us.

SF: Woot! Woot!

McCain: Obama doesn't get it...he doesn't seem to understand. If we leave Iraq, everything will be lost! 

Obama: A sole focus on Iraq has failed. Bin Laden is still out there. We are borrowing billions from China in the meantime and China is all over the world now! Everything has been viewed from the small lens of Iraq. What about other happenings in the world? What about our economy/veteran affairs/healthcare? We've put all our chips into Iraq. We need broader strategic vision.

SF: I'm yours, Barrack! Take me!

McCain: I have been here for 156 years! I have been involved in everything ever! Obama is not experienced! Obama doesn't understand! I know Veterans. They know I'll take care of them! I love them! That's going to be my cause! I have EXPERIENCE! I don't need any "on the job training."

*Vets the country over fall out of their chairs, or hospital beds*

Obama speaks of his Kenyan father and the American Dream. Now? he says, we're fucked. (He didn't really say 'fucked' but I'm sure he wanted to.) Obama wants to send a message to the world that we will invest in education, we will need hardworking immigrants. Don't stop the dreaming, potential immigrants! Don't stop thinking about tomorrow!

Wait. Wrong election theme song.

McCain: I was in prison! I can heal the pains of war!

WAIT!!! McCain isn't wearing his flag pin!

Does Cindy's red pants-suit make up for that heinous oversight?

OFFICIAL CNN ANALYSIS:

Pundit Scorecards? Just as we expected - completely non-compelling.

Pundits agree that Obama held his own and was crisp, ready-to-go. Obama had a thread he kept coming back to - the economy. He held his own.

Bennet: Round One? Obama. Round Two? McCain. McCain was the sheriff because he was on offense, not defense. McCain was masterful in naming countries he had visited.

(A quick aside) John Lennon would THROW if he knew Cisco was using his song in their ad.

Begala: Obama did not look "risky." 

Castellanos: McCain could have been knocked out tonight, but he wasn't. 

Wolf Jackyl: McCain mispronounced the Pakistani president's name.

Begala: Obama thrashed McCain on Iraq. 

Borger: McCain was patronizing - indies won't like it.

Dana Bash at Ole Miss interviews McCain advisor femmebot #8.  She says that they couldn't rehearse because of the campaign suspension (that didn't really happen.) She lies continuously. Obama is not in the same league.

Biden (Joey the Shark): John McCain is "dead wrong" about everything. John is mired in the past. John lectures Obama but doesn't know the difference between strategy and tactics. He calls BS on the false veteran schlock. Joey the Shark looks forward to answers from Palin about where we go now in Iraq. McCain is going to give 300 billion to oil, Obama says give it to reinstate the Middle Class.

SF: Go Joey!

Amanpour: First, she defines "preconditions." It's a philosophical difference between the two candidates, she instructs. The "no talking" as a punishment strategy is not working. She laughs (really!) at McCain for forgetting Achmenijad's name.

SF asks for readers to give her some slack on that tricky Pakistani's name.

Kissinger is for negotiations with Iran! Make Iran study their argument. Boo! He issues a statement that McCain is right, he never said we should talk to our "enemies" without preconditions.

SF: But I just watched you say that, dude! On tape!

Gergen: McCain has a lot of Neocons around. 

Wolf Jackyl responds to e-mails about CNN not interviewing Palin when Joey the Shark got his turn. She's...not available, he offers.

Candace Crowley: Nothing new was said, but it's always interesting to see them together.

SF: Candy? (as GWB calls her) You are useless.

Brazille: Obama was confident, comfortable. McCain just had to show up. Low expectations.

SF: I recall using a quote by none other than GWB the other day...something about low expectations...hmmmmm.

Repub Bitch #73: Obama called McCain "John." That was disrespectful. Obama is so elitist, so professorial.

Begala: Future vs Past - Obama wins.

Anderson Cooper's polls show Obama winning the debate by a landslide. All network polls have Obama winning, in fact.

Amanpour: People all over the world want our good name reinstated.

Focus Group: People were frustrated. No solutions/no answers/few homeruns. Everyone hated McCain getting angry. NATO and Russia? Everyone wanted to hear more. Automatic dial-up for energy talk. Neither candidate answered the questions. Indies are still unable to decide.

Black Caucus focus group: No one is satisfied. They wanted to hear about things that bear on them. Obama should use more personal stories, someone suggests. McCain NEVER said the words "middle class." Instead, he said "Main Street."

Crazy drunk Repubs in Vegas: Many hoots. They love McCain! His experience! His knowledge of foreign leaders! 

SF: Low expectations win again. Interesting in light of foreclosures in Nevada, though. No urgency evident concerning the economy. If McCain goes with Bush's bailout plan, he'll be tied to Bush again. 

Anderson: Who won the economic argument? 

"Candy" Crowley: That isn't normally discussed in debates - specifics are rare.

Country and state-wide polls roll in: There is a huge gender gap - women favor Obama...and old people, too!

Gergin: Obama got very lucky that the economy was the focus of half the debate.

SF: Kicks Gergin in the shin.

And before we say "au revoir" to our Debate coverage, we learn that McCain's involvement in the wicked urgent economy talks was not much. The House Repubs don't like McCain and so he only served to get everyone mad, confuse the Plan beyond all recognition, and slow everything down. VICTORY!

And just one more little bit of advice for Obama? In the future, please refrain from using the word "orgy."

GO U.S.A.!