Are You Joking?

Pinch me.

Barack Hussein Obama actually won the election for the president of the United States?

I feel wordless, but I also feel compelled to describe what's going on in my head, you know, for posterity. I'm not sure what it feels like to think of the executive branch of my country with hope and warmth. I haven't even really thought of it as MY country for the past decade (roughly around the time of Monica Lewinsky - I was entirely too care free during the Reagan years). I've grown accustomed to associating the presidency with the face of a snarling Cheney. I'm a jinx, though! My guys never win! The opinions I have are so different from most of the rest of my fellow citizens. Or are they?

I don't have to keep those "Move to Costa Rica" junk e-mails any more! In the space of a few hours, I feel like an entirely different American. I have faith now that this wacky experiment of a democratic meritocracy CAN carry on for a while longer. I know the whole world (except maybe Al Qaeda) is ecstatic - hell, they're even happier than we are! I don't have to be embarrassed to identify myself as American when I'm traveling any longer.

This is just...not what I expected. I thought we were headed down an irreversible road to ruin - that the corporations had won and we were all just sheeple, zombified by our HDTVs. But I'm betting Obama knows how to play with these renegade corporations; he uses them to his benefit whenever possible. I like that Obama wants to one-up these old white guys who need multiple millions of dollars to stick in their coffers while tens of thousands of sick people sleep in the street.

I know there won't be miraculous changes immediately. It's going to take a long time to fix the mess, and more messes will be created along the way. It's the only word I can think of (though it reminds me of Oprah, who I can't stand): HOPE. Corny, but meaningful!

Now I can go back to snarking on celebrities and truly enjoying reality TV. I can make another stab at trying to understand string theory and I can read biographies about Stephen Hawkings and Heidi Fleiss. I can think again! The election withdrawal will be replaced by watching Obama inspire his staff, and people in general, to clean shit up and start fresh. It's even possible now that the citizens of the U.S.A. will rise to the occasion en masse and things will be better! Again, I say: Pinch me.

The election wasn't stolen. Nobody would stoop that low (well, a few people stooped pretty low). We actually have a president on the same day as the election! Everything went according to plan - my side's plan, anyway. Is it too much to ponder that we won't have sides anymore? Bah. That's for the future.

We must all hope that Cheney doesn't bomb Iran next (after Syria last week) - he's only got a short time to fulfill his ya ya's.

Congratulations, world! Maybe it's not as bad as we thought! It could be a watershed moment, am I right?

Election Eve

Tomorrow marks the seventh presidential election I have voted in and it's surely the most nerve-wracking. As I firmly believe that the last two elections were outright stolen, I can only imagine what tomorrow will bring. It literally could be anything. I have always kidded that I'm a jinx - my sports teams almost always lose if I'm watching, my Oscar picks are a joke, and my candidate rarely wins. That said, I feel pretty good about my election picks, but I felt good when the Cal Bears creamed my USC Trojans last time I went to a college football game. I have recently promised my son that I'd get some jinx-exorcising powder before I go to any of his team's games.

Tonight I am both heartened and amused by some of the measures on the City of San Francisco ballot. Many have to do with rehabiliatation rather than punishment for non violent offenders. I'm all for rehab, especially on a first offense, and OGG knows our prisons are horribly overcrowded. The only thing a teenager busted on a drug charge learns in prison is how to be a better criminal. Maybe if we show them that someone actually gives a shit, these same teens will find a better life. I'm still pissed off that there is no measure in support of legalizing marijuana. Prop 215, passed way back in the 1990's, which legalizes medical marijuana, was passed with flying colors. The problem is, no one made a plan for how patients should procure their medicine.

In San Francisco, we have a measure that would decriminalize prostitution. I can see a lot of good coming from this: an end to pimps, better medical care, no revolving door of justice, no shame in seeking health care, and finally, if that's how a woman chooses to make a living, that's HER business. Eliminate the pimps!

We have a very silly measure that I'm going to vote in favor of, because it's funny and speaks volumes about this wacky city. This measure addresses the question of how to name the brand new sewage treatment plant. It has to be named anyway, so why not name it after our 43rd president, the king of spewage himself, George W. Bush? Even the very liberal media up here recommend a NO vote, but I'm voting YES. YES YES YES! I'm just snarky like that.

I'm extremely proud of my daughter, who will be spending Election Day in Pleasanton, which isn't very pleasant when it comes to gay marriage. An amendment specifically designed to define marriage as between a man and a woman? For why? Sure, a group iof judges legislated the validity of gay marriage, and judges aren't supposed to legislate, but someone needs to light the match and that they did. She will be supporting a NO vote in hopes that people like Thomas and Frank (who we would do anything for) and all of our gay brethren and sistren (?) can fall in love and get married just like I can.

For such a crazy "eve," I feel a little deflated. If Obama doesn't win, however, I will go berserk and blame the voting machines. For all we know, after all, we may not have a president tomorrow or even next week. With all these thousands of lawyers on both sides just waiting to pounce, 2000 may look like a walk in the park in comparison.

I do so hope my jinx problem is dormant tomorrow.

GOBAMA!