The Real Joe

From this morning's Daily Beast:

Election 2008 has a favorite everyman: "Joe the Plumber," whose name was mentioned 26 times in last night's debate. Joe, it turns out, is a real person—Joe Wurzelbacher, from Holland, Ohio, whose 6-minute conversation with Barack Obama about taxes was fodder for McCain's attacks. "It's pretty surreal, man, my name being mentioned in a presidential campaign," Wurzelbacher said. You're tellin' us. But Politico's Ben Smith suggests that after a night of the candidates competing for Joe's affections, it all may be for naught: Joe, apparently, isn't registered to vote.

Get it @ The Los Angeles Times

BWAH!

The Last Great Debate of 2008

A longtime friend of mine - the lovely and talented Michelle - is now signing all of her communications with "Hussein" as her middle name. It's catching on and I think everyone should do so in solidarity with Obama.

We're at 37 minutes in the countdown to Debate #3. I cannot post a whole recap tonight - those suckers took hours to write out. I shall provide some short commentary, however. As usual, I'm stuck on CNN. At this point, it looks as though Obama has it in the bag. If McCain has something REALLY BIG on Obama, I would say it's now or never, buddy.

Oh! Listen to this: McCain has apparently been covertly seeing Obama fans. He names "Joe" - an audience member at one of Obama's appearances - as an example of someone who will SUFFER if Obama becomes president. Where did McCain find Joe? Did they meet in a dark alley? A strip club? The third phone booth on the right? Did he have "Joe" kidnapped by four guys in a van? Stop the class warfare! McCain commands. McCain reveals that "Joe" is a plumber. Is he like Joe Six-Pack? Anyway, "Joe" told him that Obama wants to spread the wealth around. I think that Joe the Plumber - McCain's new covert BFF - is clearly a double agent. I, for one, don't trust Joe the Plumber. He's two-faced.

FYI: I will not be commenting on the "mood lines" or the HDTV disk treat fun tonight. I don't care anymore.

Hillary is in the audience tonight. There was some speculation about whether Obama would give her a shout-out. He...did not.

Across the board spending freeze is a bust, Obama says. It never works. There are a lot of "screwy things" we end up paying for, he adds. We need a new direction.

McCain tells Obama that if he wanted to run against GWB, he should have run four years ago. What's THAT supposed to mean? Is Johnny trying to make Barack mad? Obama rightly points out that McCain voted "vigorously" with GWB.

Negative campaigning? McCain is hurt, y'all. Unfair and inappropriate! His eyes well up. Obama didn't keep his word. He hasn't told the American people the truth.

Obama: 100% of McCain's ads have been negative, not issue-oriented. We need to change the subject already!

Joe the Plumber is revisited again. Joe heard no repudiation of Obama's black lies!

Obama calls McCain out on the Palin rally "Kill him!" remarks. Palin did nothing to stop it. But Obama is willing to overlook this for the sake of Joe the Plumber. Eh, I don't get it either.

McCain says the people at his rallies are good and patriotic!

Obama: Let's disagree without being disagreeable.

McCain: ACORN is destroying the fabric of our democracy!

Obama: Ayers seems to be the center of your campaign, John. Bill Ayers is a professor I served with on a board (and he lists everyone else on that board). I'm not affiliated with ACORN.

Obama rises above and doesn't trash Saran Palin when asked why his VP choice is better. McCain retorts that Sarah understands "special needs families." Obama rises above YET AGAIN and compliments Sarah P.

McCain is compelled to tell us that Obama had a "cockamamie" plan to split Iraq into three countries. He adds that now, Iraqis are living in peace and harmony as one people.

Bwah ha ha ha ha ha! Visions of Sunni and Shia holding hands and singing "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing" amidst the not yet repaired rubble. Embracing each other in the streets! Cake for everyone!

McCain: Start the drilling, baby! Build dozens of nuclear (or nucular, if you prefer to follow Bush and Palin's stellar example of pronunciation) plants everywhere!

Obama: This is one of our most important priorities. We can't drill our way out of this. I believe in free trade but all agreements aren't GOOD agreements. What we have now is not GOOD free trade practices.

McCain: I really appreciate Obama's eloquence, but you need to pay attention to the words he uses (that's secret code for "he's Black and uppity"). He said we need to "look into" drilling.

SF: YES! Obama thinks we should study it in a timely fashion, be smart about it, do it the right way if it must be done. No "drill, baby, drill," but "make informed decisions."

McCain disses Obama for "never having been south of our border". He rolls his eyes. He's being super cat-tay tonight with the sarcasm, the grimaces and the eye-rolling.

Obama: CLEAN energy.

McCain: Obama loves Hugo Chavez with no preconditions!

As Obama explains his healthcare plan, McCain looks at him as if he's grown a second head. Theatrics...bah. Now he blames much of our healthcare problems on fat children. Yeah...they don't vote so you can feel free to throw them under the bus.

Woop! Joe the Plumber is back. Joe doesn't want to pay for Obama's plan. John KNOWS Joe.

Didn't John steal Joe in the first place? I bet there is no Joe.

McCain looks to be horror-stricken by Obama as he shreds McCain's healthcare plan. Now McCain declares that Joe the Plumber is rich in Obama's eyes. (!?) Joe wanted to buy his business, McCain declares on Joe's behalf. What else does McCain know about Joe? His hat size? Pepsi or Coke? Blondes, brunettes or redheads? Mayo or Miracle Whip?

McCain boasts about his new plan where you can go out of state for your medical needs. What if you live in Alaska? Canada still appears to be a better option! Still yapping about Joe the Plumber, McCain cracks SF up by calling Obama "Senator Government."

Roe v Wade? McCain would NEVER apply a litmus test for Supreme Court Justices. He voted for Breyer and Ginsberg, even though he thinks Roe v Wade was a mistake. Obama says that he will look for judges with an intellect and a feel for what the public is going through.

SF: Boo for both of you. Obama? You have this in the bag, you can start being honest now. Pro-choice is not, in fact, the DEBIL's tool.

McCain: We need to change the culture of America. Those of us who understand being pro-life understand this.

SF: SCARY TALK!! That scares me, Mr. McCain!

Obama: Abortion is such a difficult subject. We must somehow come together. Education is the answer (which evokes much eye-rolling from McCain.)

McCain: Obama is bamboozling you again with his eloquence. "Mother's health" can be interpreted any way those heathens want now!

Obama: Education must be reformed completely. Tuition for community/global service.

McCain: It's the civil rights issue of the 21st Century! We can't keep throwing money at it! We must find bad teachers new jobs.

(Like, sleeping with the fishes? Boy, that sounded a tad threatening.)

Obama: No vouchers. More college accessibility.

McCain: You're not paying attention. (Hey - take it easy Mr. Grouchy-Pants!) Vouchers for all (white) people! Head Start needs to be reformed, not funded.

McCain: These are difficult times. America needs a new direction. We've had a healthy debate here. We have to stop the spending. Can you trust us? I've spent my entire life in service of this country, as has every McCain male ever. Joe? Meet me in the third stall of the Mezzanine Men's Room in ten minutes.

Obama: Tough times. I'll work tirelessly. Elect me. Who the hell is Joe?

AFTERMATH:

Adorable Anderson Cooper and Wolf Jackyl joke about Joe the Plumber. They'll get to the bottom of this!

Paul Begala calls McCain Grumpy McNasty! Ha! That's like Filthy McNasty!

Well, tie me to a tree and ____ me! Everyone agrees that McCain was wonderfully strong. Obama was on defense, they say. This was not Obama's best moment.

I object! What debate were you fools watching?

Ooop...Soledad O'Brian just asked her Ohioan Undecided's: Why no resonance with Joe the Plumber? No one really liked Joe the Plumber at all!

I wonder if Joe the Plumber has a Facebook page?

The rest of this analyzing charts and poll numbers is just silliness. I'm done with it.

Sheena Hussein Fury - I like the sound of it!

The Great VP Debate: Say it ain't so, Joe!

Finally! It's the Joey and Sarah Show! Shark vs. Femmebot! I hope there's a crack medical/robotics crew backstage. Sarah may blow a fuse and Joey may sink some of them blinding white choppers into her. 

Or, as CNN pundit David Gergin projects, the crazy "Ross Perot" mood in the country may aid Sarah, what with her folksy, plain talk program #A62, designed especially by Karl Rove himself. Just how involved is Rove in this campaign anyway? Even if such involvement has been carefully hidden? Who really knows what happens down by the 'crick at Rancho McCain?

CNN is my Debate headquarters again, tonight. I like shiny bells and whistles, too. I'm an American, after all. Wolf Jackyl welcomes we viewers - he is clearly excited. These two need to show that they're ready to become the VP, and mayhaps the President, he proclaims. Now he lets us know that the two have been preparing for this momentous occasion.

SheenaFury: Or, Joey has been preparing and Sarah has been busy being pre-programmed by some wacky evil brain-enhancing device...probably developed by Goebbels himself...or maybe Bernays!

Gergin: The American public is unpredictable right now. There's a rebellious, populist vibe spreading across the country. Who knows what the public will latch onto? They may relate to Sarah. 

SF wishes the public had latched onto a real populist, like my boy Kucinich. Alas, he is not shiny...at all.

The lovely Soledad O'Brian re-explains the very complicated "mood" lines at the bottom of our screens. There is a change tonight, however. This time, the lines will represent Ohio Repubs, Dems, and Independents, who are all still undecided (?!), and will show an average of the three, only divided into men and women. There will, then, be only two lines tonight. Sweet chicken, that's hard to understand. The lines are representing what now? And for why?  I do lurve me some Soledad, I must say. She was once our local anchor here in San Fran. This is all too much, though. I think they could have created a simpler, more telling device to act as a barometer of Ohioan's moods during the debate. 

Again, we - specifically HDTV owners - will get our special circular pundit marking card fun tonight. Those without HDTV will have to suffer alone. (Who is behind this nonsense anyway?) The circle cards somehow don't seem so special tonight, though.  Begala, Borger, Castellanos, King, Ed Rollins and Rosen will be our official participants.

Sadly, my fave Christiana Amanpour is not there. Probably part of the demands-package-rider from the McCain crew. Christiana is just too much woman. According to Wolf Jackyl, the ground rules have been carefully...oh, so carefully worked out between the two campaigns. Gergin, Campbell and Toobin are sitting sidelines tonight. 

The countdown clock on the corner of the screen, which has been up since six a.m., is nearing the zero hour. Aaaaannnd, "let's go there," Wolf announces.

SF: PLEASE go there, Joey the Shark and Gwen!

PBS's Gwen Ifill announces that all of the questions have been decided by her and there will be no untoward outbursts allowed. You go, Gwen! She's got that Vicodin smile going on but she's all business. I don't much like her jacket. Just saying.

Sarah and Joey walk out, Sarah beaming. "Nice meeting you! Hey, can I call you Joe?" (wink, wink.) And that will be the first in a long series of winks to the American public tonight. She must have practiced that at Rancho McCain as well. Sarah thanks Gwen five times and the candidates take their positions.

Sarah is dressed in "serious business black," with a neutral, non-threatening lipstick shade, but she's...shiny! And such a lovely complexion! What a role model, eh? Five kids and she's managed to keep her attractive figure. I wonder if Gwen will ask her if she plans to have any more babies while in office. I guess only God knows!   

First question goes to Joe - it's on the economic bailout plan that I revile. The very second Joey the Shark opens his mouth, the Ohioan men's mood line plummets and the women's rises just slightly. Joey ticks down the list: disastrous economic policy under Bush, too much deregulation, letting Wall Street run wild, etc. 

Don't even get me started on the booze and the jets and the chicks, Joey. 

Joey continues with an emphasis on fairness to the middle class - he even says "middle class," not that idiotic and meaningless term "Main Street." No unfair profits for CEO's. Obama and I plan to focus on the Middle Class, not the rich and powerful. People could even end up making money on this "rescue plan." 

SF is still skeptical, as are Ohioan men.  

Here's something a little confusing. Though she has yet to speak, Rollins, Begala and Castellanos have already given Palin a "good" mark on thier HDTV fun cards. Has she bewitched, beguiled and bewildered them already? What is this based on? 

Sarah uses her rebuttal time to talk about Soccer Moms and FEAR.  She says "betcha" for the first of many, many times tonight. 

SP: Our economy is hurting.

SF: Ya think?

SP: McCain represents reform. Two years ago, he pushed really hard for the Fannie and Freddie reforms. He sounded that warning bell. His colleagues didn't want to listen to him. I think the alarm has been heard, though, thanks to John McCain's bipartisan reform efforts. He even suspended his campaign!

SF's head does a full 360, Linda Blair-style.

GI: How will you deal with this polarization we've seen in the last week, which you've both mentioned tonight?

J(tS)B: Well, Gwen, that's what I've done my whole career, on controversial issues, too: violins against women, thousands of new cops on the street, Bosnia... Do I have to stay on topic, Gwen?

Really! And she assents!

J(tS)B (paraphrasing, as I am wont to do): Sarah just told a whole bunch of lies. McCain has no conceivable notion of whether the economy is good or bad. He has nine houses and a couple of jets. He was clueless until two week ago, when he changed his view to the polar opposite side twice in one day.

SP: The American workforce is the greatest in this world (or, bend over, Labor, I'm gonna kiss your ass, too!) The work ethic is entrenched in our workforce. 

SF: I just shouldn't go there, right?

SP (verbatim): It's true, I have a track record of reform and I've joined a team that is a team of MAVERICKS, with John McCain, also with his track record of reform, we're known for putting bipartisan politics aside to just get the job done.

SF: Are you speaking of MAVERICKS! like Phil Graham? And, er, did they program you to believe you have already solved the country's problems with your maverick pal Johnny?

Sarah accuses Obama of voting on party lines. 

Ya mean like Johnny voting with his pal GWB 90% of the time? Like that?

SP: Let's put this special interest stuff aside and let's git down to business. I do respect your years in this business but I think the folks are craving some change. We need something new and different!

SF and Joey are somewhat perplexed by Sarah's quick yet inane answers. Joey flashes a nervous smile. SF feels a little sick.

Gwen points out that no one answered the question and offers a new one: Whose fault is it? Greedy lenders or risky homebuyers?

SP: Darn right it was the predatory lenders! There's greed and corruption on Wall St. We're going to follow up on getting rid of corruption, ya know.

As I type her words, I realize just how crazy Sarah's speechifying really is. It makes little sense, it mixes metaphors, it contradicts itself and it's based on fairy tales.

The Ohioan mood lines are both up for Sarah, here, though the men, as before, are not quite as high on her.

SP: Joe Six-Pack! Hockey Moms across the nation! I think we need to band together and say never again! Never again to ring around the collar!

I'm kidding - not about the Joe Six-pack and Hockey Moms' rally cry, though.

Wouldn't it be funny if Sarah and husband Todd turned out to be secret swingers?  Sometimes crazy things happen behind closed doors, or toilet stalls, as the Repub party well knows. Sarah would make a good Madame, I think, for an escort service, or a special Alaskan Snow Bunny Ranch. Hey, that baby daddy of her daughter's looks like he'd patronize a Snow Bunny Ranch, doesn't he, the little rascal!?

The "mood lines" are very active tonight. Both male and female Ohioans are groovin' on Sarah. I guess low expectations are paying off. The HDTV doo-hickeys are full of "good" marks for Palin, even from Begala! Castellanos is up there in Rollins territory with the "good" marks. I think he fancies himself a ladies man.

J(tS)B: Two years ago, it was Obama that questioned the sub prime loan problems. McCain wouldn't listen. He said to deregulate. Twenty times he called for more deregulation! In fact, John McCain recently wrote an article in a major magazine that he wants to do the same for the health care industry - deregulate!

Mood lines plummet. These Ohioans don't seem to like our Joey much, especially the men.

Yes! Joey tells a personal story about a guy at his local gas station. I hate 'em, but the sheeple seem to love a good "story."

Sarah gets rebellious. She wants to go back to an earlier point about taxes. (When did they talk about taxes?) 

SP: Darn right! Obama wants to increase taxes! Government is going to have to learn to live with less! Obama voted 94 times to increase taxes! Taxes, taxes, taxes! 

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

J(tS)B: Everything she just said? Is a damn lie. McCain voted the same way. Using Sarah's logic, McCain voted 477 times to raise taxes. It's a bogus claim. And, Gwen? Sarah's not answering the questions.

Gwen offers Sarah the opportunity to answer the deregulation question again.

SP: I want to go back to taxes! I may not answer the questions the way you or the "moderator" want me to, but I'm going to talk straight to the Amurican people. I want to let them know my track record.

SF: Is that even allowed?! I am gobsmacked yet again!

SP: Me, me, me! The Dems are stodgy and Johnny and I are the fiesty young rebels! We're going to...

Gwen cuts her shit off. Woot!

More $5000 medical tax credit talk. Gah! Don't get me started. I note, however, that the plan calls for "erasing state borders" so as to increase competition. Is she suggesting that we drive out of state for medical care? 

Joey goes into shark mode over taxes and Sarah takes issue. Paying higher taxes is not patriotic, she argues. She and Todd were (notice the verb tense) part of the middle class. Joey flashes his choppers again. The Ohioan men seem to like Sarah's tax talk.

Joey gets a nice laugh from the audience when he calls McCain's health plan the "ultimate bridge to nowhere." 

Sarah pretends to be interested in her notes - which are probably a new meat loaf recipe Cindy McCain stole from Rachel Ray. Her answers are already pre-programmed, right? Down by the 'crick at Casa McCain? They've programmed her very well, indeed. She's given a question she doesn't like? Some mechanism kicks in and she changes the subject because it's "best" for everyone involved. Or, she sasses the "moderator." 

Her name's Gwen Ifills, Sarah, and some of us uppity intellectual liberals are familiar with her! We even *gasp* respect her.

Gwen tries again to set Sarah straight about answering questions.

Ohioan men hate on Joey as he talks about education, affordable health care, tax dodges and wasteful spending

Sarah says that Johnny never lies about anything. He NEVER tells one group one thing and another group another thing. But she doesn't want to talk about the question. She wants to talk about energy. She took on the oil companies in her state, she's so tough.

Joey scratches his cheek and tries not to explode as she talks about those evil multi-national corps she and Johnny are going to go after.

Now Sarah goes back to doodling "Sarah loves Johnny" in her notebook while Joey the Shark rebuts her fairy stories. Then she refers to herself as a "Main Streeter."

SF is super confuzzled because the mood lines title reads: Uncommitted Ohio Voters. Soledad told me otherwise! Why does this have to be so complicated?

I'll only report it one more time, because Sarah simply NEVER answers the question. And she seems proud of it! She tells us up front that she won't be answering the question. Does MAVERICK mean "Fuck you, Gwen" tonight? Oop - she got a mood line drop from both sexes this time.

Anyone interested in the rest of the economic discussion tonight should go elsewhere. I've had enough of Sarah's BS. I will share my special secret HDTV club information, however. Rollins is rollin' along on the Sarah train with 12 "good" marks. Castellanos is right behind with 11. She scores no higher than 4 with everyone else. Rosen gives Joey the highest "good" mark score with 10, and 0 "bad" marks. In fact, Begala and Borger haven't given Joey any "bad" marks either.  Sarah's got several "bad" marks from everyone but Rollins, the highest being 6, from Borger.

Hooray! On to energy!

SP: I was the FIRST governor to set up the FIRST climate change sub cabinet office. I blame all the other countries in the world for global warming and it's not all man made. It doesn't matter what caused it, anyway.

SF: Oh, silly Sarah. There's this thing called SCIENCE...

J(tS)B: It is CLEARLY man made. Let's look at the facts. We need to know who/what caused it. We can create jobs! If other countries will accept it, we need to export "green" technology. McCain has voted ONLY for drilling - he's voted against other energy sources 20 times. His only answer is DRILL DRILL DRILL!

SP:  Oh, our funny supporters and their "Drill, baby, drill!" hee hee. Drilling has no downside! Drilling is healthy for the earth! I love a good drilling!

SF: I have a personal downside. How about tar covering Cali's beautiful beaches? When I was a kid I thought it was normal to bring lighter fluid to the beach. Even the hotels provided it to clean the tar off our bodies after a refreshing water/tar swim. A nice walk on the beach? Expect the bottoms of your feet to be black and sticky for a week. And that shit smells, too, yo. But, then again, what does Washington care about Cali?

GI (in a dramatic subject change): What about same-sex benefits?

J(tS)B: Same sex unions are fine. There should be no legal or constitutional difference between same sex and hetero unions. It's what the Constitution calls for - but only for property rights, rights of ownership, hospital visitation, etc. No same sex civil marriages. 

SF: Oh! Fuck you, Biden! What a disappointment! And Obama, too? Fuck the both of ya on that issue.

*SF considers watching Survivor instead*

SP: Traditional marriage only. One man, one woman. I have a diverse family and friends and I am TOLERANT! Visitations in hospital is okay, as is joint property ownership. But I must be "straight up" (heh) with the American people. No same sex civil marriages.

SF: Eh. Why dontcha be "gayly forward up"? 

This debate is not as much fun as I thought it would be. Do something stupid, Sarah! Lemme understand something here, though. Sarah says that adults should certainly have the freedom to do as they choose. But women shouldn't have choice when it comes to their own bodies? How do you explain THAT one, hmmmm?

Double eh. The Ohioans don't seem to support gay marriage either.

Moving on to FOREIGN POLICY -

SP: SURGE! Surgey Surge Double McSurge! SURGE am gud! It will be a travesty if we lose in Iraq. No early withdrawal!

SF: A motto she lives by in the bedroom as well, I see.

J(tS)B: The only person who has been left out of the Iraqi war fun is McCain. Even Bush and the Iraqi leaders have left him out. WE WILL END THIS WAR! McCain will NOT.

SP: That's like putting up a white flag of surrender! That's not what our troops need to hear today. You're endangering troops! 

SP: You once said you'd run on McCain's ticket and Obama was not ready! 

GI: Which is the worse scenario, an unstable Pakistan or a nuclear Iran?

J(tS)B: McCain voted against funding because of the time line. He didn't want one. McCain and Cheney promised we would be treated as liberators back in 2003. No one read the history of that region in the past 700 years! McCain and Cheney said oil would fund the war. Pakistan already has a nuclear bomb and that's scary enough. Iran is not really that close to a nuclear plan. A stable democracy must be aided in Pakistan. New schools, no more madrasas!

SP: They're both terrible, but the central terrorist activity is in Iran. Dictators are bad. 

Hold up! Sarah said NUCULAR! 

SF picks Sarah Palin as VP as the real worst case scenario.

Sarah re-spouts more BS about talks w/o preconditions. It's naive and dangerous! They hate our democracy and our freedoms and our frozen yogurt! They mean to destroy us and we have to bury them!

JtSB: In Iran, it's all about the theocracy. 

SF: Thank OGG someone is doing some real research and actually relying on facts.

SP: I had a real good talk with Henry Kissinger the other day.

J(tS)B: What you say about Obama is simply not true.  Contrary to every uneducated or stubborn Republican's belief, Achmenijad is NOT the head guy in Iran. McCain won't even sit down with Spain!

SF is glad he's milking that for all it's worth. Ole!

HDTV only red and blue disk numbers (sigh): Castellanos, as usual, has gone mad with the marks. And so has Rollins, the ole coot, with 12 and 16 "good" marks for Palin, respectively. They must be wowed by her ability to enunciate words, even though they don't really mean anything. Rosen has 14 "goods" for our Joey, Begala's got 6 for him. King has two more "good" marks for Palin than he does for Joey. Meh. It's getting old. Who cares what these folks think? Anyway, those who are feeling negative about Palin are Begala (5), Borger (7), and Rosen hates her (9). Rollins has zero "bads" for Sarah. What a jackass.

SP: Condi Rice is still trying to fight, even in these waning days. 

SF:Well, yeah. It's her job.

SP: I adore Israel! No second holocaust! 

Now she instructs us about Israel. As if she just found out and really wants to share.  

J(tS)B (gets real serious): No one has been a better friend to Israel for the past 35 years than ME. Rice is foundering. The whole mideast plan is just one hot mess. Bush/McCain policy is an abject failure. Obama and I begged Bush/McCain to follow our more sage advice in re Hamas and the Hezbollah. Now look who's in power! Being thoughtful is good! 

Can you tell I'm not enjoying this debate? I'm not laughing at Sarah like I get to laugh at GWB. She's doing a pretty decent job, though, of sounding like she's smarter than she is. I have not heard anything come from her that is substantive. She uses numbers only during attacks. There's nothing behind the RAH! RAH! GO U.S.A!

SP: I never have done any research of any type on my own. I don't read books or newspapers. I am uninformed and my mind is closed. I simply repeat what people tell me to say.

I'm kidding. She didn't say that.

Now she's repeating that she respects Biden. And now she says we're really not killing civilians, we're building schools! So, how does the society function on an hour or two of electricity a day? Some small areas may be safer, you moron, but the whole country has been ruined! It's for shit! Are you blind?

(I'm so excited that she says "nucular.")  

J(tS)B: Facts matter. 

SF: That's deep.

SP: Obama is reckless when he says we're killing civilians and children. What a horrible, dangerous thing to do! What is he thinking in that erudite head of his?

She SO didn't use the word "erudite." I think she would have said "doggone," or "cotton-pickin'."

J(tS)B: The SURGE principle will not work in Afghanistan. Commanding general McKinnon (or McClellan as Sarah calls him) in Afghanistan. said so. Now? We spend more money on Iraq in 3 weeks than we have in 7 years in Afghanistan.

SF: What? That's absurd!

Both parties are restrained in their reactions to the outlandish things the other is saying. Sarah looks at Joey much more than he looks at her. He always directs his answers to Gwen. That's clever of him.

  

SP: Oh man, it's so obvious that I'm a Washington outsider. I'm someone who's just not used to the way you guys operate. Here you voted for the war - and now you oppose it! It's crazy, I tell ya! 

SF: Having an opinion, then learning new information, and then changing that opinion, is surely a sign of psychosis. 

J(tS)B: Lines need to be drawn. Are we capable of intervening in a given situation? McCain's strategy with Cheney was wrong, so wrong. The conduct of this war has been deplorable. 

Well, bless my soul. Joey the Shark is getting lots of good information out there, he's just doing it quietly. Who knew? Is this the restrained but even more effective Joey? I love how he keeps throwing the "Cheneys" out there.

The pundits are going wild with their HDTV club toys. Rollins now has 37 "good" marks for Sarah. Castellanos has 18 though he has 16 for Joey. Passionate guy, that Castellanos! How can they think she's winning here? Rosen has given Joey 26 "good" marks, so that's pretty good. Rosen is still on the hate train for Palin with 15 "bads."

Palin tries to bring the confab back to more general insights. She gets real folksy with the "you betchas." "I'm a Main Streeter, y'all! And I'm shiny! McCain knows what evil is and since he is such an incredible hero, he's going to combat evil wherever it may be! Take politics out of war," she says.

Huh? Does she know the definition of politics?

GI: How would a Biden administration be different if Obama sadly bites the dust?

Hee! I love where this is going!

JtSB: I would run it just like Obama. End the war. Reject the Bush Doctrine. Raise our standard in the world. I agree with every one of his major plans.

SP: We're Mavericks! We can't always agree! 

Is she kidding? She's sounding absolutely rebellious! And now back to the GOLDEN KEY PHRASES.

JtSB: Over at Katey's Restaurant and Home Depot, where I spend a lot of time, folks "get it." Walk with me through MY neighborhood. These people know. The Middle Class got the short end of the stick. Obama will change it!

SP (verbatim): Oh, say it ain't so, Joe! There ya go again, pointing backwards!

Doggoneit! Now she's going all Reagan-y on me. 

SP: Education is important. I know Joe's wife is a teacher, God bless her. She'll get her reward in heaven! I love teachers! My family is FULL of teachers. 

She makes a shout out to her sister's third grade class. Extra credit for you! she says.

GI (to SP): You said you don't know what the VP does. 

SP: It was a lame attempt at a joke, kinda like Joe's lame attempt at a joke. Nobody got it.

Audience laughter.

Sarah likes the idea of a powerful VP - a la Cheney. And she love special needs children!

SP: Our founding fathers were very wise. They gave us lots of flexibility. 

SF: STFU, Sarah! You're being extra scary now!

JtSB (fiesty): Cheney should understand that he is a member of the executive branch alone. The Constitution is explicit - the VP is only the tie-breaker in a legislature tie. That's all he has to do in the House. 

Sarah relates how much empathy she has for the Middle Class because she WAS one of them for so long. She knows just how Americans feel.

She has NO idea how SF feels.

Sarah has always shared a "world view" of our nation as "exceptionalism." The City shining on a hill of lights. 

Joey chuckles good-naturedly and flashes some serious teeth. He knows the sheeple eat that shit up.

Gwen asks Joey if he is undisciplined.

JtSB: Undisciplined or passionate? 

He lists off some more successes. Then he brings up the death of his wife and child. He knows what it's like to be a single father. His eyes well up. Awwww, Joey! 

SP: McCain is the ultimate dissenter of his party. He's a MAVERICK! Liebermann and Giuliani love him! 

SF: You use those shining examples of human beings?

JtSB: Let's talk about Mavericks for a second. McCain's record shows that he gives not a shit about health care. He's so mean, he voted against children's health insurance. He's no maverick on the war. He's no kitchen table maverick. He voted against helping poor people with heating oil!

GI: How do you change the tone of the US?

SF: Exile all the orthodox Republicans.

JtSB: I wish McCain was here to answer that question. 

SP: Um...I have a diverse family! Er...I wish there was no filter of the mainstream media. We'll fight for Main Street! I'm proud to be American, cuz at least I know I'm free... 

Oh, wait. That's that god awful song. 

JtSB: This is the most important election ever. We have economic and foreign disasters. There will be no tax breaks for the Exxon-Mobil crowd. We'll strive for the best healthcare and education. I think of my old neighborhood - good old-fashioned values. We will re-establish certitude. GOD BLESS AMERICA.

Oooh, snaps! It's all over and Sarah didn't get to God Bless anything! Woot!

The two VP candidates engage in some friendly chatter and flirting - I'm SO glad to meet you, Sarah; oh, I'm SO glad to meet you, Joe! The families emerge and Palin's side looks huge. Everyone hugs. 

Impressions? Meh. I wanted her to out-Quayle Quayle. She spoke well, and to too many people, that's all it takes. Plus those stupid GOLDEN PHRASES: We're Mavericks! Winning and Victory! Evil is bad! TERROR and MAYHEM! Main Street! Other cultures are scary! Shut Up and Go to Church! Stuff like that.

THE CNN AFTERMATH:

King: Palin had an uneven and erratic performance. But everyone loves her tonight anyway. She's folksy like Perot. 

Campbell: There were no major gaffes. Palin's first half was good, her foreign policy was bad. Her obvious mix-up of Gen. McKinnon's name was not corrected by Biden, who showed much restraint.

Gergin: Biden wins, but Palin did well.

Toobin: The war in Iraq discussion was VERY interesting. The two sides' major philosophy differences showed.

Borger: Palin didn't answer the questions. 

Rosen: There were no substantive answers from Palin. She wandered everywhere on Iraq and she constantly came back to energy on the economy issues.

Begala: Palin did well.

Oh, shut up, Paul. You just think she's shiny.

The ads are back on now. Huh. Apparently my "economic future" is at Sizzler's, where I can eat their sumptuous signature steak dinner for less than ten bucks.

The Beginning of the Spin: 

Palin's an asset, or so says my local news channel anchor. She's a populist and a fighter. 

*looks around* Am I still in San Francisco?

Biden was restrained, my useless anchorman tells me. Now we're treated to video of Sarah, with the Rocky theme song playing in the bg, as she is hailed as a hero at her afterparty. She exceded expectations! my totally idiotic local pundit crows. She showed her human side. She "blew away" the first two questions and worried Biden. Apparently, the undecided voters are even more confused now. 

Really. Is this a joke? Am I being punk'd? Ashton? Are you in my house somewhere, feeding fake images and voices onto my HDTV? Why are the idiots at my local news channel acting like fundamentalist Christians who adore the "new" Sarah? What's happened to my city?!

Hold me! I'm scared! 

And speaking of "hold me," what about your children, Sarah? You obviously failed to instill any virginal values in your eldest daughter. And judging by her taste in men? you've got some rebellious kids there, Mama Palin. Don't you have some catch-up work to do in the child rearing department? 

If Obama had a knocked up daughter, what would you say about that? I think we'd be stormed by the "values" police, myself.

Now that I have finished my Great VP Debate recap/blog, the Congress is about to vote on the "Bush just stole the shirt off my back" Bailout Plan. I am disgusted. Gustusted, even. 

Obama? (I wish his first name were Obama.) You better get ready to save the world. 

 

The Great Debate #1

First, if I were planning a Friday night dinner party for a guest of honor, and if that honorable guest told me on Tuesday that he may or may not be attending, and then I didn't hear squat from him until Friday afternoon? I'd be pissed awf. A random black street dude interviewed in Oxford, Miss., said it best: It's a question of manners. That guy doesn't have any manners. 

In light of my last post, perhaps I shouldn't share that I have an HD Widescreen TV, but I am surprised to learn that I will get special treats because of my HD TV ownership status. On CNN, I can watch as the pundits mark on a circle-thingy whether they think Obama has landed a right jab or McCain forgot to point his toes. It really is becoming like a sporting event! Who are my pundits?  Bill Bennet, who I couldn't care less about. There's John King. Who cares? Someone Borger? I don't know who that is. Paul Begala, sure, okay, but do I really need to know his every emotion in real time? Donna Brazille. Again, a great gal, but I think we all know whose side she's on.  And Castellanos? Pardon my ignorance, but I'm not familiar with him, either. One can't be familiar with EVERY pundit, after all. 

Oh! Christiana Amanpour is there! She can do anything she wants - I adore her. She can drink Gimlets and juggle for all I care. But wait. She's not an official pundit? She doesn't get to participate in the HD TV pundit card fun? Bah. That's ridiculous.

Okay! Here we go! Obama even has his flag pin on. 

Obama: Thank you, (everyone). Trickle down economics don't work. 

McCain: Thank you, (everyone). I'm a kindly old man and I want to give a shout out to Ted Kennedy, because I'm the ultimate bipartisan! Beware, fellow Americans, this is only the end of the beginning of the economic catastrophe, which only I can resolve. FEAR FEAR FEAR! Greed is rewarded, corruption is rewarded! I'll change all that! 

SheenaFury: You will? Really? How so?

Obama: The shit only hits the fan when the powerful rich who can hire lobbyists suffer.

McCain: Bend over labor, I'm about to kiss your ass! 

HD TV TREAT NEWS: Castellanos seems to be busiest on this newfangled device, he's given Obama and McCain one "bad" mark each, three "good" marks for McCain and two for Obama. Bennett is slow on the draw with only one "good" mark for McCain. Brazille has one "good" mark for McCain and two for Obama. Borger apparently can't figure out the buttons.

Obama: No trickle down economy, but bottom up economy!

McCain: I didn't win Miss Congeniality in the Senate.

SF: Did that crypt-keeper of a wife of yours win anything?

Obama: I don't know where John gets his numbers. BUSH BUSH BUSH. 

SF: If McCain thinks a $5000 tax credit will take care of a family's medical expenses, he must only have those "moles" removed once a year. I don't know who his doctor is but I guess they have a "relationship." Old Civil War buddies, mayhaps.

Obama: McCain wants to tax healthcare!

McCain gets a very tiny credit from SF for using the word "festooned."

The "audience reaction" lines at the bottom of the screen remain steady...or dead, maybe.

Obama: Oil companies will get a four billion dollar tax credit under McCain! Folks are declaring bankruptcies over medical bills! We need to educate our kids! The infrastructure needs repair! 

Obama chuckles at McCain's sarcasm: "He's so far to the left, it's hard to reach across the floor! Heh heh heh."

29 minutes and we've had NO specifics. Jim Lehrer begs these two to ANSWER THE QUESTIONS!

Obama: We must change the Lobbyist culture!

SF: Woot! Woot!

McCain: There must be a spending freeze on everything but military spending!

Obama: No more war spending!

SF: Woot! Woot!

McCain is proud of his work on the climate. 

SF: You mean on planet Earth?

Obama: What are our priorities? Giving the powerful tax cuts or fixing health care?

McCain: Obama has too many spending projects. Restrain spending!

Obama calls McCain out on his 90% agreement with Bush record.

McCain again refers to not having won Miss Congeniality. That must have been really hard on him what with the repetition.  No doubt he's a Sandra Bullock hater. 

McCain: The American people know me and Sarah well. We're MAVERICKS! I never agreed on war strategy, but NOW, after the SURGE, we are winning the war! VICTORY is at hand! 

Obama: But why did we go to war in the first place? We have to use our military wisely.

SF: Word, Barrack.

Meanwhile, on the pundit scorecard front, Bennet is surprisingly fair with three "good" marks for each candidate.  Hee! Castellanos has given Obama 11 "good" marks! That's four more than Begala, at 7. McCain is losing on everyone's circle-thingy scorecard. (Thank OGG I have HDTV!)

Uh oh. Obama goes on attack mode with McCain - you were WRONG, he says. You think the war began in 2007?

Obama doesn't know the difference between a tactic and a strategy, McCain retorts. There is peace and prosperity in Iraq now! And Obama voted "no" on defense spending!

Obama: McCain didn't care about the timetable. I did, which is why I didn't vote for spending.

We need more troops in Afghanistan!

McCain: Surgity McSurge Surge Surgey with Surge on top! McCain knows ALL about warmongering! There will be WINNING and VICTORY!

SF: Why must there be VICTORY and WINNING in Iraq? Haven't we put them through enough already? And, while we're on the subject, what exactly defines VICTORY and WINNING, please?

Obama wants more troops in Afghanistan, like, months and years ago. The Taliban and Al Qaeda are emboldened, yo! There WAS no AQ before we attacked Iraq, he points out. We must press the Afghan government. 

4763 brownie points for Obama, who is the first politician EVER to mention the eradication of the Afghan poppy fields. D'oh!  

Obama: We've given billions to Afghanistan and nothing has been accomplished.

McCain, who for some reason won't look at Obama, regrets the history of aiding Afghanistan and Pakistan. But he says he's not ready, like Obama the fierce warmonger (?!), to make an enemy of Pakistan. "Don't say things out loud," he advises Obama, concerning the very public plans Bush & Co. have to move into Pakistan on the sly. 

McCain: Don't ever talk out loud about invading Pakistan. I know Pakistan. I'm an expert on Pakistan. 

SF: Johnny! You didn't even know that Pakistan was a democracy before Musharraf staged a military coup!

Obama: Pot? Meet kettle. What about your remarks about the extinction of N. Korea? We alienated Pakistan when things were dandy! (He didn't really say "dandy." If it's not clear by now, I'm paraphrasing.) We coddled Musharraf! We spent 10 billion dollars and nothing has changed!

McCain: I don't think Obama understands. I supported Kosovo because of ethnic cleansing. I have a record of being involved. (Trots out "sad soldier story.") Mothers of dead soldiers! I was in a war! Look at me! We'll muddle through!

Obama: Obviously we honor our troops. What about decision making at home, though? We took our eye off Afghanistan. Muddle through? STFU, honky! 

Obama: Iraq's Republican Guard is a terrorist group now. Iran's power grew as result of war in Iraq. We must avoid a mid-east arms race. We need tough diplomacy. Not talking to people in order to punish them is stupid.

McCain becomes enraged. Talks with no preconditions? Give a propaganda forum for bad guys?It will legitimize them!

SF: Not so much, probably. I think we can rest assured that France, Brazil and California will not turn Muslim overnight.

Obama: Akmenahjidad (sp.?) may not be the most important guy in Iran. 

SF: Obama am SMART.

Obama: Kissinger, McCain's advisor, agrees with me. Diplomacy may not work all the time, but why not give it a try? With no engagement with N. Korea, they doubled their nuclear armaments. McCain won't even talk to Spain!

SF: Ay! Que bueno!

McCain: Obama doesn't seem to understand. It's DANGEROUS! Obama doesn't seem to understand. Obama doesn't seem to understand. Obama doesn't seem to understand. Obama doesn't seem to...cue, please?

Obama: We can't take action without talking first.

McCain: I've known Kissenger for 35 years! 

And now we move onto Russia...

Obama: The whole Russian deal needs to be re-evaluated. We need to affirm democracies in the region. We should insist that Georgia and Estonia be allowed to determine their future. Let's try concentrating on things we have in common - nuclear proliferation, etc. We have a new, aggresive regime in Russia. We can't stare into Putin's eyes and see his soul.

SF: Isn't he dreamy?

McCain: I was interested in Obama's recation to the Georgia invasion. He said "both sides need to show restraint." He just doesn't seem to understand. Russia is fueled by oil and is run by the KGB!  I saw it in Putin's eyes! 

SF: Does that mean Putin and GWB's bromance is off?

McCain: I have spent a lot of time in Estonia, dammit! I went to Georgia once! Ukraine is a very serious problem! DANGER! FEAR! TERROR!

Obama: I told Bush a long time ago, "We need to help fix the Georgian economy. Why are Russian peacekeepers in Georgia, anyway?" See? This is why we need our own energy to avoid these kind of problems. We can only produce 3% of the world's oil, but we use 25%.  McCain voted 24 times against new energy R&D! 

McCain (interrupting...again):  I feel safer now than on 9/11 in re terrorism at home. I am VERY proud of my LONG history of reaching across the aisle. Me and Leiberman called for a 9/11 commision. We were stymied at first! Intelligence needs to be improved. I KNOW our allies! 

SF: Of course we know that Palin will be helpful as she can SEE Russia. 

McCain: I was responsible for a huge reorganization of government!

Obama: We have a long way to go on national security - the ports, suitcase bombs, for example. We're spending billions on missile defense, but we need to focus on Al Qaeda. We need to get together with our allies. We need to work on our perception in the world. We must restore our good name so other nations will respect us.

SF: Woot! Woot!

McCain: Obama doesn't get it...he doesn't seem to understand. If we leave Iraq, everything will be lost! 

Obama: A sole focus on Iraq has failed. Bin Laden is still out there. We are borrowing billions from China in the meantime and China is all over the world now! Everything has been viewed from the small lens of Iraq. What about other happenings in the world? What about our economy/veteran affairs/healthcare? We've put all our chips into Iraq. We need broader strategic vision.

SF: I'm yours, Barrack! Take me!

McCain: I have been here for 156 years! I have been involved in everything ever! Obama is not experienced! Obama doesn't understand! I know Veterans. They know I'll take care of them! I love them! That's going to be my cause! I have EXPERIENCE! I don't need any "on the job training."

*Vets the country over fall out of their chairs, or hospital beds*

Obama speaks of his Kenyan father and the American Dream. Now? he says, we're fucked. (He didn't really say 'fucked' but I'm sure he wanted to.) Obama wants to send a message to the world that we will invest in education, we will need hardworking immigrants. Don't stop the dreaming, potential immigrants! Don't stop thinking about tomorrow!

Wait. Wrong election theme song.

McCain: I was in prison! I can heal the pains of war!

WAIT!!! McCain isn't wearing his flag pin!

Does Cindy's red pants-suit make up for that heinous oversight?

OFFICIAL CNN ANALYSIS:

Pundit Scorecards? Just as we expected - completely non-compelling.

Pundits agree that Obama held his own and was crisp, ready-to-go. Obama had a thread he kept coming back to - the economy. He held his own.

Bennet: Round One? Obama. Round Two? McCain. McCain was the sheriff because he was on offense, not defense. McCain was masterful in naming countries he had visited.

(A quick aside) John Lennon would THROW if he knew Cisco was using his song in their ad.

Begala: Obama did not look "risky." 

Castellanos: McCain could have been knocked out tonight, but he wasn't. 

Wolf Jackyl: McCain mispronounced the Pakistani president's name.

Begala: Obama thrashed McCain on Iraq. 

Borger: McCain was patronizing - indies won't like it.

Dana Bash at Ole Miss interviews McCain advisor femmebot #8.  She says that they couldn't rehearse because of the campaign suspension (that didn't really happen.) She lies continuously. Obama is not in the same league.

Biden (Joey the Shark): John McCain is "dead wrong" about everything. John is mired in the past. John lectures Obama but doesn't know the difference between strategy and tactics. He calls BS on the false veteran schlock. Joey the Shark looks forward to answers from Palin about where we go now in Iraq. McCain is going to give 300 billion to oil, Obama says give it to reinstate the Middle Class.

SF: Go Joey!

Amanpour: First, she defines "preconditions." It's a philosophical difference between the two candidates, she instructs. The "no talking" as a punishment strategy is not working. She laughs (really!) at McCain for forgetting Achmenijad's name.

SF asks for readers to give her some slack on that tricky Pakistani's name.

Kissinger is for negotiations with Iran! Make Iran study their argument. Boo! He issues a statement that McCain is right, he never said we should talk to our "enemies" without preconditions.

SF: But I just watched you say that, dude! On tape!

Gergen: McCain has a lot of Neocons around. 

Wolf Jackyl responds to e-mails about CNN not interviewing Palin when Joey the Shark got his turn. She's...not available, he offers.

Candace Crowley: Nothing new was said, but it's always interesting to see them together.

SF: Candy? (as GWB calls her) You are useless.

Brazille: Obama was confident, comfortable. McCain just had to show up. Low expectations.

SF: I recall using a quote by none other than GWB the other day...something about low expectations...hmmmmm.

Repub Bitch #73: Obama called McCain "John." That was disrespectful. Obama is so elitist, so professorial.

Begala: Future vs Past - Obama wins.

Anderson Cooper's polls show Obama winning the debate by a landslide. All network polls have Obama winning, in fact.

Amanpour: People all over the world want our good name reinstated.

Focus Group: People were frustrated. No solutions/no answers/few homeruns. Everyone hated McCain getting angry. NATO and Russia? Everyone wanted to hear more. Automatic dial-up for energy talk. Neither candidate answered the questions. Indies are still unable to decide.

Black Caucus focus group: No one is satisfied. They wanted to hear about things that bear on them. Obama should use more personal stories, someone suggests. McCain NEVER said the words "middle class." Instead, he said "Main Street."

Crazy drunk Repubs in Vegas: Many hoots. They love McCain! His experience! His knowledge of foreign leaders! 

SF: Low expectations win again. Interesting in light of foreclosures in Nevada, though. No urgency evident concerning the economy. If McCain goes with Bush's bailout plan, he'll be tied to Bush again. 

Anderson: Who won the economic argument? 

"Candy" Crowley: That isn't normally discussed in debates - specifics are rare.

Country and state-wide polls roll in: There is a huge gender gap - women favor Obama...and old people, too!

Gergin: Obama got very lucky that the economy was the focus of half the debate.

SF: Kicks Gergin in the shin.

And before we say "au revoir" to our Debate coverage, we learn that McCain's involvement in the wicked urgent economy talks was not much. The House Repubs don't like McCain and so he only served to get everyone mad, confuse the Plan beyond all recognition, and slow everything down. VICTORY!

And just one more little bit of advice for Obama? In the future, please refrain from using the word "orgy."

GO U.S.A.!